Version 2.0

I found religion at the record store.

 

Before the boy had a Superhero, he had music. To entertain. To escape. To fill him with joy. 

 

And it hit him from all directions. Sinatra, Goodman, and the big band influence came from dad. Lanza and the Italian crooners came from mom. Santo gave him the Stones, Cream, the Animals, and the Beatles; Frannie, disco; and Cindy led with the Commodores and the Gap Band. 

 

So when the 80’s hit, the boy was ready for the MTV generation. The Police, Prince, U2, REM, George Michael, and even Rick Springfield. They gave him direction. An identity. Hours and hours of endless possibilities, all from a TV, the radio, or a walkman.

 

I got all I need. I feel invincible with my headphones on. 

 

Over time, music became more than music. It was a way to be alone, but not feel alone. To connect with lyrics that magically expressed exactly what he was feeling. And soon he discovered that there was always a lyric to match his experiences. Even as an adult.

 

Trying to be genuine was harder than it seemed. And somehow I got caught up between my pride and my promise. Between my lies and how the truth gets in the way.

 

Maybe they weren't lies, but they definitely were blind spots. And blind spots are funny. You don’t know they’re there until you’ve either hit something or someone beeps at you. And there’s no doubt that boy caused a couple of collisions during the year. 

 

After all, he is a three. Self motivated. Tirelessly goal-oriented. And unable to understand why others aren’t similarly motivated, especially in moments of need. That's a blind spot. When a few co-workers didn’t live up to his standard of performance, his unconscious and very natural reaction was to call them out. Publicly, so that they could feel the embarrassment that he was feeling for them. End result? A collision. 

 

Looking back, the boy can see his limitations. Calling his co-workers out might have felt natural, but he didn’t take the time to understand why they wouldn’t or couldn’t help. He didn’t take the time to understand that not everyone had the motivation of a three. He simply failed to let empathy and compassion guide him, and it cost him friendships.

 

All those insecurities that have held me down for so long. I can’t say I’ve found a cure for these. But at least I know them, so they’re not so strong.

 

Another characteristic of a three is that they never want to look unprepared or be awkward. But the boy took it a step further. He felt anxious when others around him looked unprepared or awkward. And when he took on that anxiety, he needed it to stop.

 

That’s the situation he found himself in at the beginning of the school year. A new teacher was confused by a simple task. Was she really not getting it? Was she really wasting our time with this? Can't she see how silly she's sounding? His mind was racing for the witty remark that would both end the conversation and make her understand the sillyness. And right at the moment when he usually would say his carefully chosen sarcastic words, he noticed the blind spot and stopped himself mid-sentence. Collision averted. 

 

I get by with a little help from my friends. 

 

His co-workers noticed what had happened, and they all laughed and celebrated his success. In fact, throughout the year, they rewarded him as he continued his growth in learning to keep his mouth shut. In the end, they gave him credit for not saying things in situations when he wasn't even thinking of anything to say. The boy knew he was making progress. 

 

Don't people change. Here I am.

 

Unfortunately, the boy was changing, but he found that perceptions about him remained the same. Although he spent most of the year free from his blind spots, the general assumption was that he was going to say the wrong thing. That he needed to be reminded of how to behave. That he was incapable of a permanent change. And although that stung, he never corrected anyone. He just acknowledged it, and let it pass. After all, it was still easier to let it go and avoid the tough conversation. 

 

I'm just trying to find a decent melody. A song that I can sing in my own company.

 

When it was announced that the school was closing, the boy felt a sense of relief. He knew he was getting an opportunity to start over without the baggage of being a three. He knew he'd be forming new relationships as a better co-worker and friend. And that was music to his ears.